When Everything Falls Away.

 Imagine you are in a sparsely furnished room. You are sitting in a fairly comfortable chair and you look around at the bare walls thinking, "This is enough.  I don't need possessions to make me happy."  

And then the ceiling lifts off and the walls fall away.  

 

And you are left alone.   Alone in your thoughts.   With no one to talk to.   

Except God. 

God has been my best friend this entire time that I have been at Shoreland.(And longer, of course.)   Since the beginning,  I have been talking to him a great deal every day.   I begin each morning with a devotion and prayer.  I end each day with a prayer  thanking him for the day and asking for a better tomorrow.   And even when things do not go right, I pray and trust that I will learn from my failures and He will make me stronger to better serve Him. 

I just read a devotion of the man who, while falling in the night,  grabbed a tree branch and prayed to God for help.  He heard a voice telling him to let go.   But he didn't... And hung on to the branch all night.  Fearful of the risks of letting go.   When morning finally arrived,  he realized he was only 6 inches away from the ground. 

"Those who cling to life,  Die.   Those who cling to death,  Live."   

That is a variation of the Matthew 16:25.      "25For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. 26What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"  

As I struggle to find the reason God called me here, I can't help but feel sometimes that the answers I have been coming up with are so far off the mark, and that is why I keep getting these contradictory scenarios.  Why would God call me to a dream job only to allow me to fail again?   Why does he torment me this way?  What is his plan?  

Holding on to the belief that I was "Meant to be a Teacher" seems to continue to defy all the obvious signs I have been experiencing lately.   Shouldn't it be easier?  Shouldn't I be improving?   Shouldn't I find the drive and passion to continue and improve?   And yet....  I continue to feel these moments of defeat and failure.  

But one answer I have recently come up with is that this:   All of this!  Was an elaborate path to get me to come back into the fold.   To come back to God.   After a 30 year deviation from going to Church and nourishing my soul,   God called me back with the voice that only I could hear or respond to.  

Pain. Suffering. Loneliness.   Abandonment.  

When you are left alone,   You have no one else to turn to.... Except God.  

Drill Sgt Pigg said it best when I was in Basic training.  "There is no such thing as an Atheist in a foxhole."   ( I still remember those words to this day!)  God will never abandon you.  

The story of the Parodical Son resonates with me.   I have said this before that I might see it a little different.   Instead of the main point that the youngest son foolishly "Squanders" all of his wealth;  I focus on the young man trying to forge his own path.    Alone. 

  And that is where his greatest failure lies.   

And only after hitting rock bottom does he come up with the courage to swallow his pride and head back to his Father.   With the "idea" that he will work for his Father as a hired hand, and not as a son.  And we all know the rest of the story:  The Father welcomes him back and celebrates him as a lost son.  

I understand the desire to be "your own man" and how that can build confidence and self reliance.   But honestly,   I am beginning to see how having a network is invaluable.   Forging relationships with people while also helping others can help you in ways that are unimaginable!  And that is one thing that Shoreland has shown me far above any "job" I have ever had.  The encouragement the Staff and Faculty have given me makes me want to give back with everything I can. And do so willingly!  I struggle to remember a time or place that has ever done that for me in my past.  

A bit of depression grips me today.   And I am wrestling with my soul to find my next step.   But I know that no matter how badly I screw up, I am forgiven.   Forgiven by God through Jesus's sacrifice.  And through that knowledge, I can continue on with an unknown future,  knowing that my place in heaven is secure.   

Perhaps God's plan for me is not to be a teacher after all.   Perhaps this latest chapter in my life is meant to prepare me for something new.   Something BIG!  Or perhaps just something else.  There are many ways to serve God that may not be exclusive to the Ministry.  And I genuinely want to help out with the abilities and skills that I have. 

I want to help!   I genuinely want to help the students that are in my class.   Even when some may not want my help,  I want to help the ones who do.  To the best of my ability.  And knowing that Jesus is there, providing me with a safety net to catch me when I fail, that give me the strength and courage to continue for as long as I can. 

Because no one knows how long they have on this earth.   And while we are here,   we should try to make every second count.