A Burning Heart.

 It was a Monday today.   And things just did not go the way I had planned.  With only one week left before Christmas Break,   I'm beginning to doubt a smooth journey to the weekend.   Not that I ever thought that was a possibility.  Perhaps more of a "Wishful thinking" moment on my part.   That being said,  I was prepared for the day and had a plan on how to execute it. 

But the kids had slightly different plans.  Oh!  Don't get me wrong... things did not go completely sideways.    But I did have to send several to the office on a day that should have been fun and exciting.  What is wrong with me? 

Just when I think I might be learning and getting the hang of things,  I have a day like today that makes me feel like an bumbling fool.  And although  I know that that is perhaps closer to the truth than I would like to think,  I still want to believe that I am learning my way out of such moments.  Why can't I learn faster? 

I know that this is part of the learning phase of any new environment or task.  You have to start out with the training wheels on full time.  I had thought that my previous experiences in life would have helped soften the blow of this reality.   

But today my heart burns.   Filled with self doubt and questioning God's choice and trust in me.   How can I live up to this precious gift?  

And the voices in my head battle and rage for my attention.   One tells me to quit,  the other tells me to continue no matter what happens to me, my health, or my surroundings.   Who should I listen to?

At moments like this.  I pray.   It is the only thing I can do confidently.   These moments where I fumble in the darkness looking for answers to questions I do not even know I have yet.   A blind man searching for color.   How can I even know if I am on the right path?   

I know God will provide the light. He sent us Jesus to earn forgiveness for us.   So no matter how many times I fail EVERYONE....  I know I am forgiven.    And that is a very difficult thing to accept    Moments like today make me think I have failed everyone.    The kids,   The administration,  Myself!   And even God.    Surely there is a horrible price to pay for such incompetence.   

But God forgives.   And He loves us.   And He Guides us.  

I pray that his truth is revealed to me and that I can continue to serve him.  And this feeling of inadequacy leaves me as he gives me more confidence.   I can only imagine that he is giving me as much as I can bear and no more.    

Because I am still here.   

And just now as I was writing that last part, My brother gave me a text.   As if God was answering my prayer for a sign.  Revealing a truth that I need to hang in there and grind it out.   Learning something new is not always easy.    And sometimes the lessons have to be repeated for someone as dense as me to grasp the concepts.  He sends his Angels to help me.  

And so I chatted with my brother for over and hour and his words have now turned my burning heart into something warm and kind.  And if you knew my brother the way I do... You would realize that is nothing short of a miracle!   Sometimes wisdom comes from the most unsuspected places.  

Tomorrow begins anew!   And each day I  thank God for this Opportunity to serve him.   I pray that I learn from the previous day and am able to inch ever so slightly towards the better. That some day, I will look back at this blog posting and smile,  knowing that His hand was helping me and guiding me the entire time,   refusing to let me go.  May He help me to learn things faster...  Because every second counts!

A Long, Full Week...

 It was a long week at Shoreland this week.  All five days that seemed to crawl by.  I'm sure it was the same for the kids, as the days draw closer to those coveted vacation days of Christmas.  I know I am counting the days....

So what happened this week?    It is funny that, looking back,  the week actually seems like a MONTH rather than five days.   I can't really explain it.   I guess it could be summed up simply by saying that the last two weeks of the semester is a little crazy and Chaotic.  And there is always a sense of uncertainty when entering the classroom.  Who knows?   All I know is:  this is the first time I have experienced this phenomenon and now I have a base to follow for next year.    God willing.....

Things that happened!   This week I was able to set up a meeting with the Dean and have a chat.   Mr. Strutz is a valuable resource to the school and I was thankful for the time spent with him.    He offered encouragement and advice that was beyond helpful.  I can't possibly overstate just how helpful that was for me at this time of year.   I guess there are moments where you are your worst critic and the last thing you need is someone agreeing with your shortcomings.   Instead,  you need someone who will stand you up,  point you in the right direction, and encourage you to take another stab at it.   Someone who is in your corner and wants you to succeed!   Discovering that was overwhelmingly positive.   God sends us Angels to help guide us along the path he has set out for us.    And I now have one more that I can thank God for... 

I went to one of the Girls Basketball Games with Dave on Wednesday.  I was surprised Dave managed to make it out as he is still suffering from a twisted back  It seems to be better now, and he can get up and walk almost normally.  The games tend to end rather late for me.   I bonk out around 8 pm, so we wrapped it up at the half.   But we managed to cheer the girls on and meet a few people and parents along the way.   I even managed to fold a few Origami models while I was in the stands.  

The second game was an away game at Racine.   I was going to go, but one of the girls asked me to bake them cookies for Friday.    Now I do like to bake,  but it can be time consuming and there would not have been enough time to go to the game AND bake cookies, so I offered her a choice.    The girls said they would rather have cookies...   So I pulled out the Chef's Jacket and got to baking!  

I wanted to keep it simple.   The girls suggested Kiss Cookies,  but I personally think that Peanut butter Star Cookies are superior  since they are softer and are not likely to burn when you put them back in to melt the chocolate. Apparently,  the girls were impressed.    They now have put in another request for next week!   And the spilled the beans to the other sets so now ALL of my Earth Science sets are wanting to sample the cookies.   What have I gotten myself into?  

But it was fun.   I did enjoy baking and it made me happy that the kids all enjoyed them.  Funny how baking goodies for people you love makes you feel warm inside.   No wonder Grandmas tend to spoil their grandchildren with labor intensive goodies.   Perhaps it is something that you appreciate as you get older and can see the joy your labors bring.  

One of the Shoreland Students recently got back from Indonesia representing the USA in  the junior MMA  world cup competition.  Adam Haas WON the title!    We welcomed him back with a round of applause and I pulled up his final match on the big screen.  Adam is a very chill guy and you would never think he was a fighter by his demeanor. His parents must be incredibly proud of him... as we all were at Shoreland last Thursday when he came back.  

And finally,  tonight Dave and I went out to hear a septet sing Christmas Carols at the Summer Moon Coffee shop.  They sang a couple songs and then came over to chat with us.   Dave knew them,  of course.    So while he chatted,  I folded a couple origami models for the Christmas trees in the store.  I enjoy hearing Christmas Carols.   Especially in 7 part harmony by professional singers.    It looked like they were having a good time and the entire store erupted in applause as they finished each song.  There are moments when I wish I could do something like that,  but I can't really read music and I am never very certain about my voice being good enough.   Perhaps that is one of those things you either get over or simply let your passions push you through your fears.  Either way,   it is always fun to listen to that type of music.  

With one week left before the big vacation,  I am probably more eager for Friday than the kids!  Even though the first Semester will not be officially over until January,   it will be my first full semester as a Teacher... and that is HUGE for me.   If I had to look at myself and call the odds,  I would have given myself less than a 50% chance that I would survive.  ( especially after that first week!)    I had no idea what I was doing... even though I had went to school for this!  I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed or thankful for my complete incompetence....  Because I'm sure if I had any thought or reason, I would have never agreed to this call.  

But I know God has other plans.   I'm not sure what they are... Even now.   I only know that he will continue to guide me and I pray that I will be wise  enough to listen....  And learn.    I want to learn as quickly as possible so I can be the best teacher possible.   Not for my own personal gain, but rather to bring Him glory.   I never want to be the reason a kid falls or goes astray.  Instead,  it would be my wish that I help them all stay on the path of salvation.  Because there are already plenty of distractions that will cause them to fall away.   I know... Because it happened to me years ago.   

Perhaps that grand goal is a little too big to think about at this moment in time.   Right now, I simply want to make it through each week.   And if that seems impossible....  Make it through each day.   

And if that seems overwhelming...  then just the next hour.   

 Small bites!    The harder the task,  the smaller the bite. 

 Until you have consumed the entire elephant. No matter how long it takes....  Because every second counts. 

Shoreland Robitics!

 

 Today, I managed to invite myself along on the first Shoreland Robotics Competition this year.

 

It was a long day... and The teams did not fair very well. But I got to spend the day and see first hand what all the excitement was about.  I now have a new found respect for the coaches and the teams as they put in a full Saturday 

As for the teams....  They did not fair too well.   Only two teams actually had a robot to compete with.   And of the two,  one of them had just finished their design and had not even tested it thoroughly before the competition day.  Repairs were made at the start of the day.  

Mostly because the event was held nearly two hours away from the school.   And although I did not have to drive, I was still pretty exhausted after it was over. I have new found respect for the coaches of the teams.  And I was happy I got to see and be a part of that experience. 

 

To sum things up...   As best as I can remember and comprehend...    There are 4 teams in each field at the start of the match.  The 4 individual teams are set up into two teams.    Your teams will have one ally and two allied foes.    You are supposed to help each other  while preventing your rival from completing their task.  It all happens within 2 minutes.  ( I think...maybe longer.)  

The tasks!   Primarily,  you are supposed to pick up these donut looking rings and put them on a stake.   There are two colors.   Blue for the blue team, and red for the red team.   You get points for each donut on a stake... no mater who puts them on the stake.  

Why would your rival put your rings on one of the stakes? There are two corners that will reduce the score by a factor if you get a completed stake in the zone.   In otherwords,  you can  use your completed opponents stakes against him if you happen to find an unguarded one.    

Or you can assemble his rings on a cone yourself and place them in that corner.  

Or you can accidentally put a number of rings on the stake and your opponent gets the points.  

It can get confusing...  But the time is over so quickly that there is not really much time to form a complicated strategy.   Ultimately,   you just do your best to get a ring on a stake... And hopefully more than your opponents. 

And one fo the teams struggled with that task all day today.  The unfinished robot could not move very well nor pick up a ring.   So they struggled to "block" for their allies while the allied team scored the points.  

The other Shoreland team had better luck, but still did not crack the top 16 teams.  It was a tough competition. 

In the end,  I was thrilled that I got to attend and happy to be able to witness the robotics team in action.   I think I might have enjoyed this sport if I had had it in high school.   

But as I said before...  It was a long day.   The kids played around on the bus as we traveled back and it brought back memories of a simpler time.   When I would managed the Football team and we would come back from a late football game.  Music,  conversations and laughter all made the ride back a little less uncomfortable   

It was a long day...As exhausted as I am,   I look forward to moments like this in the future....  God willing.   Because sometimes...  Hanging around young people is kind of fun!   And every moment counts. 

A Tough Week.

 This week was rather challenging.  And the weekend has never looked so welcome before.   I guess I just wanted to put down on the blog a catalog of the times I have had a "Gut Check" during this Teacher Training.  I knew there would be moments like this and I would have to reach deep to see if this is actually the path I wanted to pursue.   

But God will not leave me hanging.   Nor has He during this entire experience.   When I'm about to sink into a deep depression.   My brother calls me.   Out of the blue!   On a Monday!     Totally random in a not so random way.   

And the coincidence is not lost on me.  

Since that Monday,   I have had moments that encourage me and that I can only imagine are designed to help me learn.   Learn the job and the skills that I never learned in school while I was training to be a Teacher in the first place.  lessons that will ultimately make me stronger.   And better. 

That is my faith, at least.   I can only trust God to help me and forgive my inevitable mistakes as I grow and get stronger.  For it is with a grateful heart that I want to serve him. And I must do my best to resist the shame and fear of failure that constantly shadows me each day as I struggle to meet the challenges.  

Today was a good day. With more good moments than bad.    And just when I think I have no one to talk to,  a stranger will strike up a conversation with me and ask me a very specific question that will remind me why I accepted this call to begin with.  And how God has blessed me in every way possible.  

Hardened steel is heated and cooled and hammered over and over again to be forged into a strong and resilient tool to be used.  And I can  only imagine the metal that is being formed into an alloy is not very happy about the constant heat and hammering that is part of the process.  

And so it goes that I am now on a journey to observe as many teachers as I can with their styles of teaching to find a better path. At this point in my journey,  I think it is better to imitate than to innovate. The innovation will happen later...  After I have grown in confidence and maturity.  God willing,  I will learn a new skill that will help me in the classroom.  Until then,   I have to believe that God has a higher purpose for me to do his will and will not let me stray from the task he has honored me with   Because time is short... and Every second counts.